Breaking: Local Candidates Scrap Election & Host Multi-Stage Bike Race to Elect Winner

Northern Swag learned today from an unverified source that local city commission candidates have challenged each other to a bicycle race to decide the outcome of the election today. With this election’s hot-button issue being how many miles a week do you bike, the candidates, during the middle of a heated debate over carbon versus steel bike frames, decided to settle the score once and for all on the hilly roads of Leelanau County.

Gary Howe, the popular author of the blog My Wheels are Turning, was quoted as he left the debate on his singlespeed that he would “kick everybody’s butt” because he’d been “riding a unicycle since he was 2-years old” and has “quads of steel.”

Candidate Tim Werner was seen here preparing for the event by racing little kids on the VASA Singletrack. He won that 13-mile tuneup race handily, beating 7-year-old runner up “Little” Timmy by just over 5 hours. Timmy wasn’t able to be quoted for this article as he couldn’t stop crying long enough to catch his breath.

Local sources have confirmed that political newcomer, John Reid, who based on his photo in The Ticker, recently gave a humorous and heartwarming toast at his best friend’s wedding, will also be at the start line for the “race-off.”

Rounding out the field will be the remaining candidates, Jody Bergman, Pat McGuire, Ross Richardson, & Jan Warren. Richardson is the dark-horse contender with that burly, manly beard he sports, although with the unexpected cycling race taking the place of the election, it could create some unwanted drag for him on the bike. When it was suggested he shave it for aerodynamic purposes, Richardson responded he’d rather lose the race than shave his whiskers and become, “less of a man.”

Apparently incumbent mayoral candidate, Michael Estes, felt so left out of the competition, he decided to drunkenly drive his car in the bike lane on the opposite side of the road to try and run down any potential contenders.

We caught up with the candidates to inquire about their positions on the ballot initiatives, requests for funding for road improvements and improvements to the local public schools, including a new auditorium. They all agreed, with the exception of one candidate who still uses training wheels, that the only road improvements they would support would be for bike-only pathways that included the banning of all motor vehicles and Huffy brand bicycles within city limits and that the auditorium should be built only if it included a track in order to increase the popularity of track cycling in the area.